"Perfect" isn't necessarily a good thing.

I was asked to be in a play by my cousin today. The last time he asked me was months ago, and the character was a slender (read: skinny), geeky, social retard. He said I was perfect for the part. He said I made the character breathe. I think it was because I wear glasses and am an unashamed geek. At any rate, I did the play. It was a pain in the ass, but when it was over I felt some minor twinge of accomplishment.

So, I visited him today upon his invitation. He's doing a play called "Sordid Lives." This is, much like the last one, about a bunch of small-town rubes doing idiotic things to make the audience laugh. Keep in mind that I live in a small town. I think these plays are my cousin's idea of an enormous practical joke. He's screaming to all of St. George, "I think you're morons, and to prove the point I'm mocking you for your own entertainment!" I'm not sure what's sadder, that no one is offended or that scarcely anyone noticed.

The part he wants me to play is that of a handsome, effeminate, gay man who, at the end of the play, comes out of the closet to his mother (at their grandmother's funeral). The character has few lines, and most of them are some version of "Mom, I'm gay." My cousin says I'm perfect for the part. I read a few lines, and he said I make the character breathe. I think it's because I can pronounce the word "effeminate" (not "effim'net"). Also, truth be told, I am a bit effeminate. I move my hands around a bunch when I talk and all that jazz. Even so, I really have no interest in doing this play.

I've lived in this town my entire life, and I have no intention of getting on a stage and claiming to be gay for no real reason. Is this sexual insecurity? You're damned right it is! He tells me, "It's just a character." Sure, but it's my mouth those words are coming out of. That wouldn't be bad enough to keep me from doing the part, but the play isn't very funny. I watched a DVD version of it and found it pretty silly. The character he wants me to play could safely be edited out of the entire play if the writer hadn't been trying to make his play "About Something."

In the original play this character has numerous scenes where he's talking to his therapist about how fucked up he is and how stupid his small town life and family are. It's really whiny. Nonetheless, it provides a sober counterpoint to all the zany hijinks that are happening back home. My cousin, in the name of sparing the audience from all this frightfully dull whining, chopped those scenes out, but allowed the character's resolution (Mom, I'm gay) in the play. The end result is a slew of over the top redneck jokes capped off with some guy being gay for no reason. Strunk & White must be rolling around in their respective graves.

Lastly, the parts that I'm "perfect for" make me wonder about my cousin's view of me. Slender, handsome, well-spoken. Okay, those things are good. Geeky, effeminate, socially retarded, whiny. Okay, those things aren't so good. Do I really want to be perfect for this stuff?